Being a parent in a blended family requires the ability to not take yourself too seriously. I never knew how much so until this week. In preparation for impending military deployment, my eldest son decided to send a ‘love note’ to his blended teenage siblings containing ‘insider information’ about yours truly.
The original list had 25 bullet points, but is abbreviated here due to space constraints. Here is his wisdom:
To my brother and sister.
This is for the very next time you think you are getting a raw deal…
I understand that you have been told (repeatedly) that you are dealing with Mom Lite™; but I recently came to realize that you probably don’t grasp what this really means. So, for your benefit and with your best interests in mind, I have compiled a list of Rules and Regs from the Old Regime of the Deity known as Mom. It is not complete, but I can assure you that it is accurate. Remember, this is a labor of love; Big Brother is trying to look out for ya here. The following rules are absolute. Disregard at your own peril.
Alright, here goes:
1. When Arguing with Mom: YOU. ARE. WRONG. You shall forever be so, no matter how logical your argument is. If you are proven right later, guess what: You’re still wrong. This is a fact of life; get used to it.
2. If you are summoned at any time before 10 am, you are to appear by Her bedside with a cup of coffee in hand, half creamer, two Splendas. This is not negotiable: sleep on your own time. Acceptable substitutes for your name are “COFFEE!!” or “BEAN JUICE!!”
3. MOMMA’S CHOCOLATE IS MOMMA’S CHOCOLATE. Get your own.
4. You are not Chuck Norris; SHAVE. YOUR. FACE.
5. This is not GQ and you are not a body builder, so put on a damn shirt and cover your hairy self. NOW.
6. The Impending Apocalypse is not an acceptable excuse for getting out of school. If these be your last moments, then sucks to be you, now get outside, you’ll miss the bus.
7. When asked your opinion, “Whatever you say” or “Yes, Ma’am” are your options; quit fooling yourself. ”I’m on it” is also acceptable.
8. You can’t use the Force, so quit telling Her that “these aren’t the droids you’re looking for” and walk the damn dog.
9. It doesn’t matter if you just walked the dog, do it again, he needs to poop. Don’t agree? See Rule 1.
10. No goose-stepping around the house. You aren’t that funny.
11. If the word “Revolution” leaves your lips, you better be reviewing history.
12. If She says you did it, you did it. See Rule 1.
13. Chores are not “slave labor,” now do the dishes.
14. If She tells you more than once, IT. IS. A. WARNING. So get off your butt and take out the trash…
As a final note: I admittedly laughed through the entire thing, until I came to the realization that compared to his life with me, Basic Training must’ve seemed easy for eldest son. So, to him I say, “Thanks for helping the younger ones, and I’m sure they will have a response in the coming future. We love you, Pookie!”